CHRISTIAN ANALYSIS
Nearly 15 years ago, I had to face my own struggle with pornography. For years, this struggle affected my marriage and my ministry in leading a church. I felt alone, cycling through emotions like denial, shame and isolation.
The first moment of real hope came when my wife and I were introduced to Pure Desire at our denominational conference. This led us to begin an intense and intentional one-year journey of counseling and recovery groups.
We experienced such a radical transformation in our lives and marriage that, a year later, we shared our story publicly with our church. Instead of being met with judgment and condemnation, we were met with grace. We realized we were not alone in this struggle — and those listening did, too.
We launched groups for men and women in our congregation. Many people from other churches and the community started coming to our groups and finding a real pathway toward healing.
As a result, we gained a reputation in town as the “porn church.” I was being called the “porn pastor.” While these aren’t the nicknames I would have chosen for myself, I was encouraged that people knew our church actually talked about this issue. Far too few churches and pastors feel equipped to do so.
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At Pure Desire, where I now serve as the Executive Director, we’ve partnered with Barna Group to produce new research to awaken the Church to the realities of today’s pornography problem — both in our culture and in our pews.
What we found is that over half of practicing Christians (54%) report viewing pornography at least occasionally. And this is far from being a problem only men face; while 75% of Christian men acknowledge porn use, so do 40% of Christian women.
Perhaps a more sobering finding is that half of those with a history of viewing pornography report that no one knows of their porn use (49%), and a vast majority report that no one is helping them stop (84%). Most people view porn use as a private burden, something they can and should overcome using willpower. And when they do tell people they trust, they’re commonly referred to a therapist or counselor.
But both of these “solutions” — willpower or a therapist — unintentionally compound the sense of isolation and shame that underlie most porn users’ experience and help hide the size of the problem even more from leaders in the church.
The church can and should be a source of hope for people facing all sorts of challenges in life, including struggles with pornography, compulsive sexual behavior, and the betrayal in a marriage that can result from this. It can and should be a safe place for those who are suffering in silence to speak up, be heard and be helped.
By addressing this issue head-on with care, understanding and practical support, churches can fulfill their role as places of healing and restoration. Even small steps toward openness and support can make a huge impact in the lives of those struggling.
The first step for churches is establishing intentional, accepting communities for men and women to turn to when they’re struggling and beginning to work toward healing. The many emotional wounds that tend to drive porn use are given their power in large part by their secrecy, and the intense shame associated with porn use itself. They drive the user toward greater and greater isolation and guilt. But in community, when men and women feel safe to tell their whole story, lives are transformed.
Of course, building a community with the potential to empower its members to be real with God and open with each other is no small task. Our research has shown that a few key measures can make or break a congregation’s ministry work.
Start by partnering with experts. People who understand the emotional and biological mechanisms behind compulsive porn use will be better able to minister to those suffering and educate everyone around them. You can use that culture of education to uplift those who are struggling and prioritize awareness of the problem to the broader church community, too.
Once the lack of information and awareness has been directly addressed, the rest is largely a matter of trust. If you’re in leadership, lead by example. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Be loving and nonjudgmental. Listen well. Most importantly, remain consistent. Trust — and relationships safe enough to admit to even your most deeply-felt sources of shame — will grow from there. These commitments will help build a space where people feel safe enough to come forward and be healed, together.
But that can’t happen unless we choose to step boldly into this space. The church, both taken as a whole and as a local force for good, is the most powerful engine for healing and community-building the world has ever seen.
As a community, we can help build a Church that has the ability to free every man and woman seeking its aid from the secret, shameful burden of habitual porn use. We have the chance to bring the men and women sitting right next to us in the pews that much closer to the freedom and joy of Jesus’ love for them.
When we started groups in my church, we had no idea where it would lead. What it became was the most effective discipleship strategy we ever had. Men and women who found healing in a Pure Desire group became our most engaged worshippers and our most invested volunteers. What I discovered as a pastor is that when people are free from secret shame, God can use them profoundly in the Church.
So while we have the chance, let’s take it. Porn is already in our churches, and it has been for a long time. It’s time to talk about it. You are not alone.
Nick Stumbo is the Executive Director for Pure Desire, a sexual integrity ministry focused on equipping men, women, students, and churches with resources and structured groups to bring hope and healing from the effects of sexual brokenness, addiction, and betrayal.
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