As parents, we often wonder if we’re doing the right thing for our children. No one is immune to that kind of thinking.
I have interviewed hundreds of young entrepreneurs and their parents to learn how they were raised. Most parents who raised highly successful adults did a great job.
What surprised me is that many parents admitted that there were a few things they would have done differently, if they could go back in time.
These were the top regrets they had in common:
1. They were too focused on grades and achievements
Many future successful entrepreneurs were great students and breezed through top universities. Some finished, but were miserable. Others dropped out of college or didn’t go at all.
While education is important, it has to be a good fit. Looking back, some parents realized they would have preferred that their kids thrive, perhaps in an untraditional environment, rather than slog through an expensive, unhappy four years.
Similarly, many parents recalled pushing their children to spend less time doing what they loved, and more time studying or doing an activity that would make them more appealing to a top school.
In hindsight, the parents now realize that when their children put in the 10,000 hours to gain a skill in what they loved — even though the parents may have thought it was a waste of time — it proved to be more useful as they began their career.
2. They felt they were over-involved
Of course we want to keep our children safe — but holding on too tightly can prevent them from flying.
I don’t often hear parents say they wish they had given their children less freedom. Instead, it’s the opposite: “Why didn’t I let them go off on their own more?” or “I feel bad they never had any independence until they went to college. I should have started letting them do things on their own earlier.”
There are a few terms for over involved parents: helicopter parents, who hover over their children and intervene in their decisions; snowplow parents, who move obstacles and challenges out of the way.
Even parents who only did that some of the time regret it. They tell me, “I shouldn’t have fixed things for them; I shouldn’t have made their path so easy. They needed to learn how to solve problems on their own.”
Looking back, they tell me they understand now that resilience is key to success.
3. They didn’t entrust their kids with enough responsibility
My personal regret, which I heard from many others, is that I didn’t give our children enough chores. They had to make their bed and keep their room clean. But I never asked them to do their laundry; I never asked them to help me in the garden; and except on rare occasions, I didn’t ask them to help me cook.
I did these tasks myself because they were so busy and I didn’t want to over-burden them.
Ironically, they now tell me they wish they had learned those skills in high school! Giving our children more chores not only helps them become responsible, it teaches them useful skills for when they’re on their own.
4. They led with their own fears about taking risks
Many parents told me they urged their kids to be cautious, to take the “safe” approach. They told them to take the practical route that “works more often.”
When they watched their children take big risks to start a new venture, or sell something they started, or pivot in a new direction, or not take a job with a guaranteed paycheck to pursue their dream, they were proud of them.
But they wondered, “Did I make them fearful? Would it have been easier for them if I had told them more often to go for it?”
Or if they scolded them when they failed — for getting a bad grade, or not scoring a goal — and made their children nervous about taking risks. They now understand that you can’t innovate if you’re afraid to take risks. And you’re only not afraid to take risks, if you’re not afraid to fail.
Even if they did feel this regret, many of these parents also said they often told their kids how proud they were of their hard work, no matter the outcome.
Ultimately, I want to remind us all: Nobody is perfect. We all do the best we can, and as long as our children know we love them, and that we tried our best, they will be fine.
Margot Machol Bisnow is a writer, mom and parenting expert. She spent 20 years in government, including as an FTC Commissioner and Chief of Staff of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers, has spent the last 10 years speaking to parent groups about raising fearless, creative, confident, resilient, entrepreneurial children who are filled with joy and purpose, and is the author of “Raising an Entrepreneur: How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams.” Follow her on Instagram @margotbisnow.
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