We have two grown children: a son, 39, and a daughter, 36. They are both doing well, but our son has a great deal more money than our daughter. He recently married and has a baby on the way — thanks, in part, to his wife’s having frozen some of her eggs when she was younger. (Our daughter is currently single.) Our son would like to offer the gift of egg freezing to his sister, which is expensive. The issues: Is this gift too weird for a brother to give his sister? If not, who should make the offer: our son — who is not super close to his sister, who can be prickly — or me? Finally, is there a whiff of pity in this gift?
MOM
Let me start with an important issue that has nothing to do with freezing eggs. In my family, my mother often provided shuttle diplomacy when there was an awkward issue between my brothers and me. I am sure she thought she was helping us by inserting herself in our disagreements. (I did!) But the upshot is that now, after she is gone, she has three adult sons who can barely communicate with one another. Do not do this to your children.
Your son is capable of making his kind offer to your daughter himself. It’s possible she will dismiss it out of hand. (You have not reported that she is even interested in having children. Not all women are!) But since he and his new wife are actual poster children for the benefits of egg freezing, it’s hard to see how even a prickly sibling could construe the offer as pitying. And if your daughter’s objection were to the size of the gift or to her brother’s involvement with her reproductive choices, she can refuse it — though even that takes nothing from his thoughtfulness.
Tell your son that he and his wife should make the offer to her privately, in person and soon. (A letter, for instance, without her brother’s caring voice may be misinterpreted. And the medical literature notes a drop-off in the efficacy of the procedure as women age.) As for your question about the weirdness of this gift, let me answer with the modified lyrics of an R&B classic: If a loving gesture to a sister is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
You’re Holding a Grudge, but He’s Holding Your Stuff
Last year, I had a falling-out with an old friend. A mutual acquaintance, with whom I was having a conflict, pressed my friend to take sides. Despite telling me privately that he thought I was right, my friend decided to remain neutral. (He was not willing to damage his professional relationship with our acquaintance.) I found this behavior to be snakelike, and I have not spoken to him since. The rub: Before all this, I had lent my friend a library of books that I couldn’t store in my apartment with the understanding that I would take them back when I had room for them. That time has come, but I have no interest in rekindling our friendship or initiating a détente to beg for my books. What should I do?
FRIEND
I would start by examining your reaction here. It’s entirely natural to want our friends to support us. But here, there was no reason for your friend to take sides in a squabble that did not concern him. And unless there was some muddiness in your agreement with him to reclaim your books once you had room for them, collecting them does not require any “détente” if you are truly committed to this feud. Simply thank your friend for keeping your books — because, like it or not, he did you a favor — and ask him when it would be convenient for you to pick them up.
Do Good In-Laws Make Good Neighbors?
Last year, my partner’s parents bought a home four blocks from ours. They are kind people, but I’ve had to draw some boundaries: They must knock, for instance, if they drop by without telling me in advance. My partner wants to see them every day, and he expects me to want the same. I am comfortable seeing them once a week for dinner. But when I express this to my partner, he becomes upset and accuses me of rejecting his family. How do I navigate this?
PARTNER
The central problem here seems to be with your partner, not your in-laws. His characterization of your openness to weekly visits — a perfectly reasonable concession — as a rejection of his family is unfair and overdramatic. In my experience, when partners are at very different starting points in hashing out conflicts, it may be a good time to engage a couples therapist to help guide your negotiation.
The Latest Indignity of Freelancing? Friends’ Interest.
I am a freelance writer. When I tell friends what I’m working on — building my Instagram following, for instance, or applying for an artist’s residency — they ask, “Does that pay?” I find this insulting! I don’t ask about their compensation. Thoughts?
FREELANCER
I get your annoyance. But I think your friends are trying to understand your work life — not calculate your income. People with 9-to-5 jobs may not understand the importance of social media or institutional affiliations to editors. And while it is certainly not your job to explain the business model of freelancing, isn’t it nice that they’re showing an interest in your work? (If it isn’t, stop talking about it.)
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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